We have this weird thing with ears in my family. My dad can manually twitch his ears on command. And my ears get really red when I lie (or when I’m too embarrassed about my lying).
So despite the title of this one, I’m completely sober even though I was out all day and night (taking advantage of no work!). But my ears got red a lot tonight. The only question is whether I was lying to others or to myself.
See, a recent phenomenon has developed among certain friends where I’ve acquired a pretty crazy reputation, even though I’m completely not. In fact, I wish it were the other way around – where the reality was as they say it is, but it’d be kept under wraps – actually living the life would much more fun than talking about it. I think.
Though, honestly, it is fun to talk about and half-heartedly protest that it’s not true what my attached friends (and coworkers) think I do in my non-attached life (and non-work life) because of the snippets of stories that I tell (and dress shirts that I wear on business casual Fridays). And even better when my high school escapades got blown out of proportion too (seriously?). So, yes, I know that I’m completely guilty of encouraging the talk…well at least it’s better than no talk and no reality.
Another weekend and another case of the relationship gods mocking cruelly at me. Met a cute girl, shared our love of
girly fruity delicious drinks. Wont be in the city much longer. Facepalm. Met another cute girl, chatted up for a while. Bf sat down next to her. Facesmack. So then I decided, why not make it a trifecta…and then I called someone I shouldn’t have.
Almost as soon I dialed the number, my rational side wrested control back from my emotional side and asked, for what? What did you think would happen? What do you wish would happen? Well, nothing. Abso-fucking-lutely nothing on both questions.
So then it brings up the question from that small episode, as well as this entire weekend, as well as my entire existence at my job.
What am I doing this for? What am I getting out of it?
I’m actually stealing this line of thought from a friend, who asked me this as we were meeting some new people that we all knew probably would probably never try to keep in contact with. It’s the same on the job, how do you motivate yourself when 1) your project is going nowhere, 2) you could probably get away with half-assing most of it and no one will know because, 3) your boss doesn’t really care either, 4) your reputation and ranking is already set in stone, or 5) all four.
Well, why not just do things for your own happiness then? And yet, I still feel like that kind of justification is fleeting. Not only do I sometimes question the long-term sustainability of short-term happiness, but also I’m not sure doing things simply because you believe they will make you happy is the best course of action. I don’t have a good explanation for that last sentence. Yet. But I believe it.
And of course, I have. Do things just for fun and just because it makes me happy in the moment. Who doesn’t? I even tell people that I have to cherish every moment not spent in the office, so I have to make the most of it and almost never say no to plans – unless they involve making a trip to Brooklyn that is. But even after a weekend chock full of activities, mosquito bites, meeting new people, leaving my blackberry at home – I wonder, what’s the point? Other than a few good stories (great stories after I finish embellishing them), what does it all mean – especially next week when I’m sitting at work wondering if my purpose-less job has left too much of my existence devoid of meaning?
In the end, I know what the problem is with both the job and non-job aspects of my life. I know what my ideal situation is, and anything that is not close, is too far away. So then, I make up excuses for not trying to work hard for what I know is second-rate compared to first-class. And yet, my ideal situation is not available to me, so I’m left self-rationalizing and self-justifying. Or just waiting for someone else’s other shoe drop.