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If there were an award for lacking in routine, I’d won many times over. Starting with Sunday night, I’ve gone to sleep at 5am, 10pm, 4am, 1am, 5am, 3am (tonight). Fortunately for my bonus, the first four was due to work. Unfortunately for my bonus, that lack of routine has also carried over to the time I arrive at work – 1pm today!

Definitely a lot has happened the last couple days – but for someone who holds many deep dark secrets, this is as close as a “drunk-blog” will come. Disclaimer: I claim to have never been drunk and I maintain that I’m not drunk right now….just slightly tipsy.

Once upon a time, I was excited for life. Then, exactly 8 months ago tonight, my life flipped upside down and I had to re-figure everything out. I set goals for myself and worked my ass off for them. But when I saw my payoff disappear, I lost my motivation to keep working towards my goals. So, today, I feel like a rudderless ship. Sure, I have some general direction and I might even have a map and a compass. But I feel out of control of my destiny and I feel like I’m fighting the wind all the time.

I feel like nothing in my life comes easy. It’s too hard to have to work so hard for everything. And the worst part is, when something comes too easily, I think that it’s too good to be true. Thus, I didn’t take that job opportunity and thus I took certain things for granted.

So what to do now? I keep meeting the wrong girls. I’m in the right job, wrong time. I keep thinking something good is due for me but I’m so afraid to hope for it.

Confession time. I always get a little bit scared when I fly (control issues). Last week when I went to North Dakota, I thought about dying a lot. The crazy thing was that I wasn’t afraid of death at all. Yea, at age 24, there’s so much more living to do, but I’ve made my peace with everyone in my life except one. When you reach that point, what do you?

I guess you try to catch up on sleep.