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Why do we say things we can’t take back / Why do we miss what we never had

My dirty secret is that sometimes I wish my life were a movie. (Or at least a particularly emotionally exciting music video.) Well, the last 12 months have some of the most emotionally turbulent times of my young life so far. The term “emotional roller coaster” doesn’t even begin to describe it all.

Well, that first phase of my professional life ended earlier this week when I got my “number” and could calmly head off to vacation – aka my “no-sleep-tour” of 5 cities in 9 days. This is after I just moved into a new apartment with a open kitchen / bar stool setup and a basketball court three floors below me and a beautiful oil painting that I received as a gift from someone special. And after I spent a good chunk of time 1) just staring at my bank account, 2) paying down debts and 3) acquiring objects of desire that I have eyed for months on amazon.com; I finally got around to putting some thoughts on paper wordpress.

If that last paragraph sounded like a humblebrag….well, too bad. I was trying to figure out how to talk about that, most, banker-fied of moments – getting your bonus – without sounding like a douche. Well, I just have to give up on that and instead take it as an accomplishment.

They say that money doesn’t make you happy. Well, to me, being able to accomplish my goals and do the things that I’ve wanted to do for months, for years…because I now have the money to do it….that makes me happy. Since even before college, I’ve dreamed and thought getting that number and having it justify the insomnia that I knew I would pick up. Over the next couple years, I quantified those dreams and put them into my amazon.com shopping cart 🙂 So is it still superficial and materialistic to say that I feel like I’ve accomplished some goals that I set out to?

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The other mitigating factor in my humblebrag is that I’m using this as a shout-out to the people who helped me go from “lost” to “found”. You don’t go on a emotional roller coaster without reaching both peaks and troughs…and if the last couple weeks have been some crazy highs, well, it’s only been possible because there’s been some crazy lows in the preceding 12 months too. And as much as my pride would like me to think that I did it all on my own, I had a lot of support and so my rewards this year is something that I appreciate that much more. To those who helped me through “lost then found”, you know who you are…thank you.