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It may not mean nothing to yall / But understand nothing was done for me / So I dont plan on stopping at all / I want this shit forever mine, ever mine, ever mine

The only thing worst than a humblebrag is an ungrateful humblebrag. And yet, it’s so much fun to feed my martyr-ism by say “no one else understands.” So, well…here goes…

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One of the most memorable things I remember grown-ups telling me about the growned-up world is that there no immediate feedback. Figuring out if you are doing well is either nebulous (getting good projects, etc) or extremely blunt (fired, bonus, etc). Time is also an issue (isn’t it always?) – there’ no periodic exams, etc.

Well, the crazy thing about my situation now is that I have people telling me that things are great. I had great feedback, the “review” was great. But somehow I don’t feel that way. I feel like something is missing.

Is it just being unsatisfied with the status quo – something that is normal for type-a-ish 24 year old? Or is it because I feel like I lucked into something here – everyone else quit, I’m here by default? Or is it something deeper, something that comes from my upbringing?

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“Or is it because I feel like I lucked into something here – everyone else quit, so I rose to the top by default?”

I think part of my unsatisfaction that I realize this isn’t sustainable.

As I’ve gotten older, something I’ve been obsessed with is the idea of carpe diem – completely different from YOLO. This idea is more linked with my mid-twenties being my physical prime – energy, stamina, strength, flexibility, and other pseudo-sexual terms to describe the time of our lives when I have the ability to really accomplish something.

So I don’t want to waste my time doing something that I know I don’t want to be doing for the intermediate term.

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“Or is it something deeper, something that comes from my upbringing?”

I didn’t come from the hardscrabble streets of Scranton, but I didn’t exactly come from privilege either. And I’d like to think that “nothing was ever done for me.” So I guess when someone gives me props, I feel like either 1) there’s another shoe to drop, or 2) if the platitudes are really shoeless, then I must move on to the next challenge.

Also, subconsciously, when you look around and see other people get to your position but had more advantages along the way, you feel a bit lonely and misunderstood – as if you almost want to differentiate yourself from others.

So just when you feel that you have reached some modicum of success on the exterior, your own interior battle hasn’t even started yet.

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At the end of the day though, I am really looking for forever…just don’t know where it’s going to come from.