Quick response to post below: Wow J, didn’t know that you considered yourself a homebody! Also do you want me to save you a bagel? Not a Jew joke I swear!
Inherently, I’m a greedy person – and it has nothing to do with my profession. I just like having my cake and my icing and the fruit on top and stuffing it all down my face (mouth?) as fast I can. Anyways, the only relationship that’s more complicated for me than food (other than short cute Asian girls with multiple personalities
but I don’t want to talk about that) is sleep. So when J talks about the moment of waking up and feeling free…I haven’t felt that way in probably 6 years?
As a result, I overcompensate by 1) convincing myself that ambition and success is measured by making plans and conquering your goals, and by 2) cultivating my addiction to taking naps whenever and wherever I can get them.
Take today for example, while cranking out some comps (thanks J for leaving two days before earnings season so that I can conveniently take over your responsibility!), I zonked out for a couple minutes and ended up typing out the wrong numbers into Excel. It was not quite REM-quality sleep, but certainly could’ve passed for trick-myself-into-thinking-I-slept-for-longer-than-I actually-did sleep. For me, in that short time, I sorta get that feeling of clarity J talked about. But more so, it’s the falling asleep moment rather than the waking up moment that affects me. For me, naps represent an escape.
What am I running away from? My fears.
In one of those, passed-out-on-top-of-my-laptop naps (a close corollary to the trick-myself…actually-did nap), I realized that one of the reasons I didn’t quit this job was because I was scared of losing my excuses. Sure banking is not a healthy lifestyle, but I always have a built-in excuse for my behavior. Go out for drinks 3 times in a week before Friday night? Need to decompress after work! Wake up at 3pm on a Saturday and bum around all day? I deserve the rare rest and relaxation! Messy room? No time to clean. Spend money too profligately? Saved up from free dinners / cab rides!
Most importantly (not in a good way), I can blame any inadequacies in my relationships with other people on a supposedly, all-consuming job. I can feign busyness whenever I don’t want to deal with something or someone. If there are troubles in my personal life, I can put everything into my work life 7 days a week and self-delude myself into thinking things are actually ok because I am accomplishing my goals. Just doesn’t work with a 9-5 job…
Healthy? Probably not. But at least it’s a fleeting respite from myself and my over-active over-imaginative introspection and that, oddly, feels somewhat comforting…
Random, crazy work task(s) of the day:
- scheduling a $75(?) car service to hand deliver a senior banker’s notebook to his house 30 blocks away
- trying to find a restaurant with private dining for the second-year-analyst farewell dinner that costs less than $125 / head while our CEO calls a town hall meeting to tell us “everything is okay”
- retyping a pdf from another bank into excel and then sending it off to a client
- finally, we have this thing called a working group list (wgl) – typically for counterparties you work with, so, you should have…you know, their contact information already. except when you make a wgl for someone you’re begging for business, sometimes you have to ask a fellow analyst who interviewed at that firm if he has their contact information. not saying I did that, just that sometimes you have to be a
Event(s) of the day when I realized I needs to GTFO: getting fashion and life advice from a senior banker who is a complete slob and likes picking at other people’s food